What’s not to love about fracking? It makes your tap water flammable, causes earthquakes, and inspires great art. It’s also really fun to say. Unfortunately, a lot of people find the side effects of drilling for natural gas using hydraulic fracturing, or fracking, to be annoying. Can you believe there are people out there who don’t think it’s totally rad to have a kitchen sink that doubles as a flamethrower?
You may recall that after the fuel shortage crisis in the ’70s, the U.S. set forth on an unprecedented effort to escape the death grip of foreign oil. The clean energy sector, heavily subsidized by the government, stepped up to the plate, providing literally billions of gallons of sunshine and trillions of barrels of wind. In fact, the wind and solar farms that sprouted across the country did so much good for the environment, that something had to be done to reverse the effect. If the wind and solar farms were allowed to proliferate further, there would be no contaminated water and no smog to mutate future generations.
Thankfully, a few small, brave oil companies struck out on their own, without any governmental assistance, and made great strides against Big Enviro. And now, thanks to the Obama administration’s recent decision to embrace fracking, the fight against the Naturazis can continue. This is good news. Not only does it mean we can get more natural gas at a time when inventories are at record highs and prices are at record lows, but we can finally begin getting those precious chemicals into pristine aquifers and wells. Finally, states like Ohio can experience the excitement of being just like California. It’s like the disaster ride at Universal Studios, except it’s real. And who wouldn’t want to live on the edge like that?
The Obama administration has flipped and flopped on Big Enviro issues like a mackerel trying to shake off its fresh coat of oil so generously supplied by BP. The Big Enviro supporters who swept Obama into office are, of course, in a tizzy over his willingness to frack the land while the well-reasoned Drill Baby Drillers have been stymied by Obama’s refusal to grant unfettered access to the hell on earth that is ANWR.
And just today, the Obama administration has formally nixed the marvelous Keystone XL pipeline that would have been like a super duper Slip-n-Slide from the vacation paradise of the Tar Sands in Canadaland to Nederland, Texas, home to wooden cowboy boots and Baconator Broodjes. This is a huge disappointment, especially after getting fracked so good just a minute ago. Obama is like that guy you pick up at the bar who talks a good game and does actually blow your mind in bed when you get him home. But then he takes off while you’re fast asleep and you discover not only did he give you a fake phone number, but he left a turd the size of a Louisville Slugger in your toilet. But given the choice between that and the taste Santorum leaves in my mouth, I suppose I’ll take getting fracked by Obama.